Although The Valley Holler is a resource blog, I include links to a variety of historical death-related sources.
My grandmother made a hobby out of decorating graves of her family, former neighbors, and friends for the holidays. It used to be this was a national past-time. This Link takes you to my remembrances of accompanying my grandmother as she cheerfully put flowers on a couple of dozen graves. My grandmother has since died herself, but her dedication to the memory of those who have gone before lives on.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Scrapbooks for the Grieving
Scrapbooking for funerals. Lots of people don't get it. Funeral directors, families, other church members don't understand why anyone would want a funeral scrapbook. Here's a little crash course in why.
Generally the family has three sources of contact with those offering their condolences.
1) There are cards and flowers which arrive for the service or at the home.
2) There are face-to-face visits which are supplemented by signing one's name in a register book at a visitation or at the service.
3) Then there are calls and emails.
In reverse order I'll give you the reasons I believe bereaved loved ones are better served by a scrapbook than by all of these.
Calls and emails are the easiest way for the comforter to offer their comfort and condolences, but they can be a real hassle to the bereaved. The phone rings off the hook. Who has time to check email with all the other necessary tasks after a death? Then, when they do get on the phone or on the email, the bereaved has two choices:
1) be authentic at the risk of not finishing sentences, suddenly crying, or not making sense;
or 2) comfort the comforter by making the call as easy for the caller as possible. "We're OK. No, we don't need anything. Yes, we love you, too."
I don't know anyone who wants to inflict this choice intentionally on a grieving person. Calls and emails are good if brief and well-timed, but they are not enough.
Face-to-face visits are optimal for many reasons, but they have the drawback of impaired human memory in a time of crisis. If you have ever been through the death of someone close, you may know how nice it is to see people and hear their thoughtful words. It is also nearly impossible to remember at a later date what they said, or sometimes if they were even there.
So one goes to a register which offers nothing but names, half of which you can't read or don't recall how they knew Mama in the first place.
Which brings us to cards and flowers. These are good because they last for awhile, are tangible, and can be referred to as many times as needed. However, we often have trouble finding cards appropriate to our beliefs and some people feel flower tributes are wasteful. Enter the scrapbook.
Here is how one person I met at a funeral convention suggested to do it. People who would like to leave a special message for the family are given an envelope addressed to the family at the house, the office, the funeral home. Inside the envelope is an elegant piece of paper on which to write a memory of the deceased or include a photo. There is also some cardboard to protect the contents from the voracious postal machines that eat mail. People are encouraged to take these home and think awhile before writing and sending back to the family.
In the following days and weeks, the envelopes start coming back at the same time as some of the more unpleasant mailings one gets after a death. Each day, memories and well wishes of friends and family start showing up at the door. These can then be compiled and easily create a beautiful book. The result is more than a scrapbook. It becomes an archive of who someone was to those who loved them.
The grieving family can look at the words of their friends and loved ones when they are ready to. They will be able to absorb what others have to say more fully. They will also be able to feel whatever feelings come up from the sharing of these words in the privacy of their own home while looking through the book. And the book can be shared with those who couldn't come to the funeral, or in years to come with those who were too young to remember.
Steps to help create a scrapbook for a grieving family:
1) Buy the book first so you'll know how big the paper should be. Make sure the book is archival quality and lignin free.
2) Buy paper that is attractive, archival quality, easy to write on, and within your budget. Always buy more than you think you'll need. People will misplace some. Feel free to customize the paper at a print shop or at home with the name of the deceased. Consider including cardboard to protect the paper or photos.
3) Print labels with the family address on them. Pre-address envelopes.
4) Have paper, cardboard, envelopes at locations where the most people offering their condolences will be.
5) Print out instructions for people. This is a new concept for many.
6) Give the family the book, adhesives, folders, and anything else you think they may need to easily put the book together when the envelopes begin to arrive. OR offer to do it for them.
This is an excerpt from a post on Auspicious Jots from October 24, 2006 called "A Better Way to Remember"
.
Notes from the floor of the 2006 Annual National Funeral Directors' Convention part 4
Generally the family has three sources of contact with those offering their condolences.
1) There are cards and flowers which arrive for the service or at the home.
2) There are face-to-face visits which are supplemented by signing one's name in a register book at a visitation or at the service.
3) Then there are calls and emails.
In reverse order I'll give you the reasons I believe bereaved loved ones are better served by a scrapbook than by all of these.
Calls and emails are the easiest way for the comforter to offer their comfort and condolences, but they can be a real hassle to the bereaved. The phone rings off the hook. Who has time to check email with all the other necessary tasks after a death? Then, when they do get on the phone or on the email, the bereaved has two choices:
1) be authentic at the risk of not finishing sentences, suddenly crying, or not making sense;
or 2) comfort the comforter by making the call as easy for the caller as possible. "We're OK. No, we don't need anything. Yes, we love you, too."
I don't know anyone who wants to inflict this choice intentionally on a grieving person. Calls and emails are good if brief and well-timed, but they are not enough.
Face-to-face visits are optimal for many reasons, but they have the drawback of impaired human memory in a time of crisis. If you have ever been through the death of someone close, you may know how nice it is to see people and hear their thoughtful words. It is also nearly impossible to remember at a later date what they said, or sometimes if they were even there.
So one goes to a register which offers nothing but names, half of which you can't read or don't recall how they knew Mama in the first place.
Which brings us to cards and flowers. These are good because they last for awhile, are tangible, and can be referred to as many times as needed. However, we often have trouble finding cards appropriate to our beliefs and some people feel flower tributes are wasteful. Enter the scrapbook.
Here is how one person I met at a funeral convention suggested to do it. People who would like to leave a special message for the family are given an envelope addressed to the family at the house, the office, the funeral home. Inside the envelope is an elegant piece of paper on which to write a memory of the deceased or include a photo. There is also some cardboard to protect the contents from the voracious postal machines that eat mail. People are encouraged to take these home and think awhile before writing and sending back to the family.
In the following days and weeks, the envelopes start coming back at the same time as some of the more unpleasant mailings one gets after a death. Each day, memories and well wishes of friends and family start showing up at the door. These can then be compiled and easily create a beautiful book. The result is more than a scrapbook. It becomes an archive of who someone was to those who loved them.
The grieving family can look at the words of their friends and loved ones when they are ready to. They will be able to absorb what others have to say more fully. They will also be able to feel whatever feelings come up from the sharing of these words in the privacy of their own home while looking through the book. And the book can be shared with those who couldn't come to the funeral, or in years to come with those who were too young to remember.
Steps to help create a scrapbook for a grieving family:
1) Buy the book first so you'll know how big the paper should be. Make sure the book is archival quality and lignin free.
2) Buy paper that is attractive, archival quality, easy to write on, and within your budget. Always buy more than you think you'll need. People will misplace some. Feel free to customize the paper at a print shop or at home with the name of the deceased. Consider including cardboard to protect the paper or photos.
3) Print labels with the family address on them. Pre-address envelopes.
4) Have paper, cardboard, envelopes at locations where the most people offering their condolences will be.
5) Print out instructions for people. This is a new concept for many.
6) Give the family the book, adhesives, folders, and anything else you think they may need to easily put the book together when the envelopes begin to arrive. OR offer to do it for them.
This is an excerpt from a post on Auspicious Jots from October 24, 2006 called "A Better Way to Remember"
.
Notes from the floor of the 2006 Annual National Funeral Directors' Convention part 4
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Disposition of Cremated Remains in Water
Catchy title, huh?
So your loved one is being cremated and wants to have a body of water as their final resting place. This is often a great idea but requires planning.
Is it legal?
By following this blog you have already proven yourself to be internet savvy. Go to the website for the municipality where you are planning to be leaving the remains and find out. I am pleased that none of the hundreds of services in which I have been involved have had a run-in with the law due to choice of disposition. I'd prefer if you were not the first.
I just want to drop the urn in the water.
In Barcelona, Spain thousands of families drop ashes still in the urn over the side of boats. But metal and wooden urns often float and do not disintegrate quickly. On the Barcelona coast there are so many urns, floating or sunken, that they have to be gathered as sea debris. Garbage.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of anything less meaningful and closure shattering than the idea of my beloved’s remains floating back to shore, or being caught up in fishing nets to be returned to land in a trash heap.
The solution for this is the sea salt urn. These look like marble urns but when dropped overboard sink with a satisfying plop and then dissolve. Everything is water soluble: the sides, the lid, the glue, and the bag in which the cremains are stored. It all dissolves in forty minutes. No garbage, no flying ash, no contamination.
Salt urns are available online or from funeral homes. The supremely crafty can make their own. Give yourself some time on that one, though. Size, consistency, and the lid are vitally important to design.
There are other options on this front. I just find the salt urns to work best.
We want to scatter the ashes off the side of the boat.
I am an ash scattering expert. It is a tricky business, and it should not be done at sea unless there is NO WIND or you are 100% confident on the wind's direction in relation to the bodies of those gathered to witness this event. Trust me on this point.
If you are insisting on this means of disposition, think it through carefully and consider a rehearsal with charcoal ash. Remember, the remains will not be sinking readily but instead be on the top of the water. Some people like this effect, others don't. Think it through.
Can this be done from the shore?
Yes and in many ways.
One of my friends likes the trench effect for a place with waves. At the edge of the reach of the waves you dig a trench that is about 10-12 feet long and a sand castle shovel deep. The displaced sand goes on the side away from the water. The cremated remains are carefully poured in from sand level the length of the trench. To cut down on the possibilities of ash on the wind, cover the trench with flower petals. When the waves reach the trench they start to pull the cremated remains into the water with the petals. This works best when the tide is coming in.
Whatever way you decide to put the cremated remains in the water, think through the details of the process. It can be a beautiful ritual if done well.
(Some of this post is from an October 22, 2006 post on Auspicious Jots)
So your loved one is being cremated and wants to have a body of water as their final resting place. This is often a great idea but requires planning.
Is it legal?
By following this blog you have already proven yourself to be internet savvy. Go to the website for the municipality where you are planning to be leaving the remains and find out. I am pleased that none of the hundreds of services in which I have been involved have had a run-in with the law due to choice of disposition. I'd prefer if you were not the first.
I just want to drop the urn in the water.
In Barcelona, Spain thousands of families drop ashes still in the urn over the side of boats. But metal and wooden urns often float and do not disintegrate quickly. On the Barcelona coast there are so many urns, floating or sunken, that they have to be gathered as sea debris. Garbage.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of anything less meaningful and closure shattering than the idea of my beloved’s remains floating back to shore, or being caught up in fishing nets to be returned to land in a trash heap.
The solution for this is the sea salt urn. These look like marble urns but when dropped overboard sink with a satisfying plop and then dissolve. Everything is water soluble: the sides, the lid, the glue, and the bag in which the cremains are stored. It all dissolves in forty minutes. No garbage, no flying ash, no contamination.
Salt urns are available online or from funeral homes. The supremely crafty can make their own. Give yourself some time on that one, though. Size, consistency, and the lid are vitally important to design.
There are other options on this front. I just find the salt urns to work best.
We want to scatter the ashes off the side of the boat.
I am an ash scattering expert. It is a tricky business, and it should not be done at sea unless there is NO WIND or you are 100% confident on the wind's direction in relation to the bodies of those gathered to witness this event. Trust me on this point.
If you are insisting on this means of disposition, think it through carefully and consider a rehearsal with charcoal ash. Remember, the remains will not be sinking readily but instead be on the top of the water. Some people like this effect, others don't. Think it through.
Can this be done from the shore?
Yes and in many ways.
One of my friends likes the trench effect for a place with waves. At the edge of the reach of the waves you dig a trench that is about 10-12 feet long and a sand castle shovel deep. The displaced sand goes on the side away from the water. The cremated remains are carefully poured in from sand level the length of the trench. To cut down on the possibilities of ash on the wind, cover the trench with flower petals. When the waves reach the trench they start to pull the cremated remains into the water with the petals. This works best when the tide is coming in.
Whatever way you decide to put the cremated remains in the water, think through the details of the process. It can be a beautiful ritual if done well.
(Some of this post is from an October 22, 2006 post on Auspicious Jots)
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
When Death is a Mess, Chapter 2
Originally posted as Raul and Dave: Cleaning Up on October 22, 2006 at Auspicious Jots
Notes from the floor of the 2006 Annual National Funeral Directors Convention, Part 2
File this in your alternate universe folder. Two of the most animated and engaging people I met at the convention were cleaners. Come on, you saw “La Femme Nikita”. You know: Cleaner? The cleaners in the movies have a violent streak and know the many uses of lye and acid. Real cleaners are more peaceful and law-abiding sorts, which in a way makes what they do all the creepier.
Dave operates Radical Restorations, Inc. and Raul is a manager at Assured Decontamination Services. They are both big strong men with shaved heads, attractive smiles, and palpable confidence. They both can climb into an OSHA approved plastic suit faster than I can put on a pair of pantyhose. And they both have an intimate knowledge of what it takes to clean up the human brain when it violently leaves its safe nest of skull. They are cleaners.
Got it now?
When the worst things imaginable happen in your home, office, or building, these are the men you call. This is a part of death that funeral directors, cops, fire fighters, and some ministers know too much about. It’s the part of death which makes most people avoid the aforementioned professionals at cocktail parties for fear of overhearing details. It’s the mess the human body can make when it dies. And it is what Dave and Raul call a job.
I am a different kind of cleaner. I clean up what happens to those who survive the worst thing imaginable. Dave and Raul think my job is just as hard. That's a point to debate, but we had immediate rapport as the people who clean what others think is un-cleanable. Raul is even a double cleaner, if there can be such a thing. His other job is as firefighter.
As you hopefully can imagine, I found it comforting to talk with people who had similar experiences to mine. Dave, Raul, and I shared stories of…
OK, maybe I shouldn’t go into detail here. Let me just say, we talked. We shared stories. We laughed. We said, “Yuk.” We got serious and kind of sad. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. All in all, we had normal interactions that people have at a convention. When it comes to work, we just have a different idea of normal.
So here's to Dave and Raul. And here’s to hoping that their normal NEVER becomes yours.
Notes from the floor of the 2006 Annual National Funeral Directors Convention, Part 2
File this in your alternate universe folder. Two of the most animated and engaging people I met at the convention were cleaners. Come on, you saw “La Femme Nikita”. You know: Cleaner? The cleaners in the movies have a violent streak and know the many uses of lye and acid. Real cleaners are more peaceful and law-abiding sorts, which in a way makes what they do all the creepier.
Dave operates Radical Restorations, Inc. and Raul is a manager at Assured Decontamination Services. They are both big strong men with shaved heads, attractive smiles, and palpable confidence. They both can climb into an OSHA approved plastic suit faster than I can put on a pair of pantyhose. And they both have an intimate knowledge of what it takes to clean up the human brain when it violently leaves its safe nest of skull. They are cleaners.
Got it now?
When the worst things imaginable happen in your home, office, or building, these are the men you call. This is a part of death that funeral directors, cops, fire fighters, and some ministers know too much about. It’s the part of death which makes most people avoid the aforementioned professionals at cocktail parties for fear of overhearing details. It’s the mess the human body can make when it dies. And it is what Dave and Raul call a job.
I am a different kind of cleaner. I clean up what happens to those who survive the worst thing imaginable. Dave and Raul think my job is just as hard. That's a point to debate, but we had immediate rapport as the people who clean what others think is un-cleanable. Raul is even a double cleaner, if there can be such a thing. His other job is as firefighter.
As you hopefully can imagine, I found it comforting to talk with people who had similar experiences to mine. Dave, Raul, and I shared stories of…
OK, maybe I shouldn’t go into detail here. Let me just say, we talked. We shared stories. We laughed. We said, “Yuk.” We got serious and kind of sad. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. All in all, we had normal interactions that people have at a convention. When it comes to work, we just have a different idea of normal.
So here's to Dave and Raul. And here’s to hoping that their normal NEVER becomes yours.
When Death is a Mess, Chapter 1
Biology is messy. Birth is incredibly messy on all occasions. Death is a biological event first and foremost but in the parts most of us have to deal with, death is only sometimes messy.
If you have to deal with not only the emotional and spiritual mess of death but also the physical you have options.
1) Has someone else offered to help?
Often when people offer help we don't acknowledge the offer. People do not offer to help clean up after a death unless they are sure they are equipped for it. Seriously consider any offers of help.
2) Can you afford a professional?
There are many things you are going to have to do because of this death in the coming hours, months and years. Do you really want to start this journey doing the exhausting physical labor of cleaning? I have met plenty of people who have cleaned up homes, cars, yards, and garages after the death of someone very close to them. It did not kill any of them, but it did not make them any stronger.
Call professional cleaning services first. If they can't/won't help you, ask police, fire, rescue, the medical examiner, and funeral homes for referrals. Better yet, have someone who has offered to help do something make these calls. Your grief brain is not going to be good with details.
3) Is this something you need to do for your own sake?
There are some deaths and some relationships that just call for us to do it ourselves. After authorities allow a clean-up do the following:
* Give yourself lots of time, clothes you never want to see again, safety glasses, gloves, a very good respirator mask, black towels that can be disposed of, thick and numerous garbage bags, every cleaning tool you own and more.
* The order of cleaning is: remove liquids and debris first, then use lots of water and things that absorb water (mops, towels, wet vacs), use solvents and detergents last.
*Act as if everything is possibly a dangerous contaminant during and after clean-up. It isn't, but now is not the time to get sloppy with precautions.
*Give yourself permission to quit at any time. Have the professional number handy just in case.
*Take breaks often. Be sure the area is as well ventilated as possible. Plan your meal times carefully and don't get anywhere near food without thoroughly decontaminating yourself. Have a disposal plan for all tools and clothes.
*Tell people you are going to do this so they can check on you.
In conclusion: I have done some minor cleanups myself in a professional capacity. There are things you will never, ever forget about a clean-up. If it happens in my personal life in the future, I will be calling a pro because I don't want to add to that particular memory bank.
We all have to do what is best for ourselves. Consider your options carefully.
If you have to deal with not only the emotional and spiritual mess of death but also the physical you have options.
1) Has someone else offered to help?
Often when people offer help we don't acknowledge the offer. People do not offer to help clean up after a death unless they are sure they are equipped for it. Seriously consider any offers of help.
2) Can you afford a professional?
There are many things you are going to have to do because of this death in the coming hours, months and years. Do you really want to start this journey doing the exhausting physical labor of cleaning? I have met plenty of people who have cleaned up homes, cars, yards, and garages after the death of someone very close to them. It did not kill any of them, but it did not make them any stronger.
Call professional cleaning services first. If they can't/won't help you, ask police, fire, rescue, the medical examiner, and funeral homes for referrals. Better yet, have someone who has offered to help do something make these calls. Your grief brain is not going to be good with details.
3) Is this something you need to do for your own sake?
There are some deaths and some relationships that just call for us to do it ourselves. After authorities allow a clean-up do the following:
* Give yourself lots of time, clothes you never want to see again, safety glasses, gloves, a very good respirator mask, black towels that can be disposed of, thick and numerous garbage bags, every cleaning tool you own and more.
* The order of cleaning is: remove liquids and debris first, then use lots of water and things that absorb water (mops, towels, wet vacs), use solvents and detergents last.
*Act as if everything is possibly a dangerous contaminant during and after clean-up. It isn't, but now is not the time to get sloppy with precautions.
*Give yourself permission to quit at any time. Have the professional number handy just in case.
*Take breaks often. Be sure the area is as well ventilated as possible. Plan your meal times carefully and don't get anywhere near food without thoroughly decontaminating yourself. Have a disposal plan for all tools and clothes.
*Tell people you are going to do this so they can check on you.
In conclusion: I have done some minor cleanups myself in a professional capacity. There are things you will never, ever forget about a clean-up. If it happens in my personal life in the future, I will be calling a pro because I don't want to add to that particular memory bank.
We all have to do what is best for ourselves. Consider your options carefully.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Resources for Grief
I have worked in death, dying, grief, bereavement, and assorted other synonyms for death-related misery for over 15 years. And I don't find it depressing. And I don't look like a vampire.
People only come to me in person when their situation is truly dire which is unfortunate. The firefighter is more effective when the house is not consumed by flames. The hairdresser does better work when there aren't shaved patches from a drunken coiffure attempt to cover up. And I am much more helpful when you are on the far edge of the valley of the shadow of death peering in than when you have been trapped in one of the gullies for months and a flash flood is coming.
That said, here's a blog for you. You don't have to call me. You don't have to look me in the eyes and admit you are in trouble. You don't have to get out of your PJ's. You don't have to pay my fees. (Yet.)
The best way to navigate The Valley Holler is through the labels. They will help you to focus on your own personal concerns instead of looking through all my posts.
There will be many posts that are links to work I have done over the years on my other blog Auspicious Jots. That blog is more of a stream of consciousness, sometimes humorous, occasionally religious site. It is a bear to navigate so I hope this blog gets you what you need more easily.
Specific questions are always welcome and may come through the comments section. You are welcome to remain anonymous to the public even if you are known to me.
Finally, a word from my mentor in seminary Dr. Charles Brown: There's only one way out of the valley of the shadow of death (or loss) and that is through it.
What I've learned since being Dr. Brown's student is that it is much easier to navigate through that valley when there's someone at the other end hollering your name. I hope this blog calls to you.
People only come to me in person when their situation is truly dire which is unfortunate. The firefighter is more effective when the house is not consumed by flames. The hairdresser does better work when there aren't shaved patches from a drunken coiffure attempt to cover up. And I am much more helpful when you are on the far edge of the valley of the shadow of death peering in than when you have been trapped in one of the gullies for months and a flash flood is coming.
That said, here's a blog for you. You don't have to call me. You don't have to look me in the eyes and admit you are in trouble. You don't have to get out of your PJ's. You don't have to pay my fees. (Yet.)
The best way to navigate The Valley Holler is through the labels. They will help you to focus on your own personal concerns instead of looking through all my posts.
There will be many posts that are links to work I have done over the years on my other blog Auspicious Jots. That blog is more of a stream of consciousness, sometimes humorous, occasionally religious site. It is a bear to navigate so I hope this blog gets you what you need more easily.
Specific questions are always welcome and may come through the comments section. You are welcome to remain anonymous to the public even if you are known to me.
Finally, a word from my mentor in seminary Dr. Charles Brown: There's only one way out of the valley of the shadow of death (or loss) and that is through it.
What I've learned since being Dr. Brown's student is that it is much easier to navigate through that valley when there's someone at the other end hollering your name. I hope this blog calls to you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)