After many years in ministry if there's anything I have learned it is how to talk about difficult things.
It's incredibly tricky, this opening up business. No,wait. No, actually it isn't tricky at all. Yes, it takes courage. Yes, it takes forethought. Yes, it often takes diplomacy and, naturally there can be unpleasant fallout. But discussing difficult issues, particularly end of life issues is emotionally difficult, not technically difficult and, yet, I still insist on it. Because NOT having these conversations can be emotionally devastating for years.
Here are simple steps to discuss important issues at the end of life. Remember, we are all dying and living in equal parts if we are living well, so consider your own answers to any question you ask of another.
Step 1: Consider the Conversation and Understand Your Motives* Is this an opportunity to impart information: medical directives, location of important files, funeral preferences, banking concerns?If so, make sure that this is a convenient and productive time and that records are kept of information imparted.
* Is this an opportunity for storytelling?
If so, introduce it as such with an invitation like, "I would like to share a memory from my life." Or "Our being together like this reminds me of that time..." People are open to storytelling when they know its purpose and are not pressed for time. People also like to swap stories, so if it is your need/intent to tell a story, it is only fair that you be willing to listen to someone else's story in return.
* Will this be a time of conflict or reconciliation? Do you need to bring up something that will cause hurt feelings or remind of past hurts? If so, think through why you need to tell this story and why now. Often people can hear very difficult things as long as they feel they were told in the most compassionate way possible. Thinking through why you need to have this conversation now can help you to clarify your communication and hopefully build bridges over past chasms.
Step 2: Set the Stage
Blurting things as someone walks out the door seems to be an infernally popular way of saying important things to people. It really isn't helpful. Whether you are the person near death or the comforter, leaving something big until the last second isn't very respectful and is kind of, well... cowardly. I have found that planning it for the middle of the visit does best unless there is no other subject about which you need to communicate, in which case charge forward at the beginning.
Also, if you know that you are about to have a whammy of a conversation play it out in your head. Where will people sit? How long will this take? Does there need to be privacy? Will things get thrown? Consider the options carefully and set the space, time, and details as well as you can for a smooth conversation.
Step 3: Speak clearly and succinctly. Make time for discussion.
This seems so simple but this isn't a grocery list we are talking about. For example, imagine you are in a hospital bed and you want to tell your 23 year old son that you are going to discontinue chemotherapy because you feel that it is no longer the right choice for you. There are as many ways to do this as there are people, but many people would respond favorably to a greeting, followed by some small talk, followed by how you have come to change your mind about chemotherapy. Then state succinctly, "And that is why I would like to stop the treatments but I wanted to talk to you about it first." Then, and this is the tricky part, let the other person process and make space for them to say what they are thinking and feeling.
Step 4: Recap why you are having this discussion in the first place.
Communication is delicate under the best of circumstances and these are the not the best of circumstances so repetition or reiteration is helpful. Examples of closing recaps include:
"Oh, Sally, I am so glad you came over so I could tell you about my childhood. I've been thinking about the past so much lately, and it feels good to be able to say it aloud to a friend."
"Jimmy, I hope I haven't bored you to tears, but there are a lot of financial elements to my life and we both would rather talk about baseball. Thanks for having this discussion with me about these concerns. I feel better. Let's get back to the baseball now"
"Mom, I know this is hard to talk about these things for both of us, but you are important to me and I love you. I don't want any misunderstanding from years ago to stand between us any more."
Good communication is something we all strive to learn but the times we need it most are the most complicated situations. By considering the conversation, setting the stage, speaking clearly, and giving a recap of the purpose we can have the significant conversations we need at the end of life. Or any time.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Death of a Lover
Grief is shaped by the roles we had with the person who died. A generalization that often proves true is: the closer the role, the more complex the grief. The roles between people, however, are often hard to define. I've known adult children who barely grieved the death of an absentee parent. I've known others who never stop grieving the death of a friend. Grief reactions are as unique as the relationships that shape them.
The combination of connection and shared experience, our hopes vs. our guilt, how the person died, and where we are in our own journey all come together to make grief dynamic and unique.
As if that were not complex enough... throw in twenty-first century dating and mating habits. What happens when your boyfriend dies? Your lover? Your live-in mate? Your friend with benefits? Your fiancee? Your ex-mate?
This topic is so complex that I have learned to force myself not to draw any conclusions about anyone's romantic relationship at death. I treat every mourning lover differently, letting them lead in helping to discern what sort of help they need. This has proven to be savvy and diplomatic as well as allowing me to see subtle patterns and dynamics.
The Dynamic With The Family
The first hurdle for the majority of people who lose their lover is that the family is in charge. Unless your lover and you planned what is called a designee agreement, the law is only interested in next-of-kin. This can be devastating if your beloved has a difficult relationship with family because all of these people swoop in with their own grief and opinions on how s/he should be remembered. And they get to be in charge when you were the one who was with your lover every moment of the last five years.
Even when relationships are good, the family/lover dynamic is touchy, particularly if the deceased has children of any age who have yet to meet the lover. The lover needs to be mindful of the extent of involvement s/he has in funeral planning, family events, and disposition of belongings. Even when all goes well, it can be exhausting physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
The only piece of advice I can give which covers the breadth of variety with mourning lovers is: be mindful and respectful of the family's grief. You are the easiest person to subtract from the equation and groups of mourning people are known for limiting the numbers of their circle. Get your fortification from your own family, your friends, your religion, your doctor... but be very careful of leaning on your beloved's family.
The Dynamic With Other Friends
Sadly, some of us only discover we have long been detested by our beloved's friends when s/he dies. That is painful. That is not going to work itself right now. Try not to get mired in their feelings and accusations and focus instead on your own coping.
You may also be treated as if your relationship with your beloved was more than it was. This can be awkward for you because the privacy of your connection and its intensity (or lack thereof) becomes a subject for public speculation, often in your presence. A good out in conversations like these is, "I would prefer not to speak of my private life with her/him."
It is not uncommon to lose shared friends after the death of your lover. In their own pain, some people prescribe what they feel your grief should be. When you exhibit more or less than that prescription, they feel you are either being too emotional or disloyal. Shifting connections are a normal part of life and grief.
Attractions between a grieving lover and a grieving friend stemming from shared grief also commonly arise. Be careful. Now is not the time to be jumping into another relationship least of all with someone who is mourning the same person. The one who has died becomes the third member of that relationship. (Believe it or not, I do know couples who have made this work. They tend to be over 60 and instances are rare.)
Feelings of Isolation
How do you say at work, "I am grieving the death of my lover of 7 months"?
Usually, you don't. Unless you were living together, engaged, or had a long-term monogamous commitment - society does not know how to recognize you in the grieving rituals.
This means it is up to you. You may have gotten through a myriad of other losses in life without needing to reach out for help. The death of a lover is different. So much of your connection with your lover is deeply private - how do you process it? Think it through. Your long-term emotional health and your future relationships will depend on how you choose to work through this grief.
Services
I may have to do an entire separate post on this. Services are full of unwritten codes and careful diplomacy and few include the mourning lover.
As the one who presides over funerals and memorial services I have seen the lover sit in every seat in the house from the front row to never coming to the service. Do what is right for you and will cause the least amount of hullabaloo. The service is about your beloved, not you.
Try to have a comforting thought you can repeat to yourself throughout. One of my friends used, "Love never ends." I have also recommended for people to imagine one great memory with their beloved. During every difficult moment in the service they called up that image.
Forbidden Love
You and your beloved were a secret. Immediately consult a trusted professional and share with them your situation. The pressure of the loss and the secret is too much for one person to bear. Find trustworthy, dependable help. See next paragraph.
Need for Counsel
Consider consulting a professional grief counselor at any stage of your grief process. No matter the complexity of your situation, professionals know that you are not alone. We have experience in helping others, and we can help steer you towards health. If nothing else, we are the people you can tell your business to and still keep it private. Hospices, funeral homes, counselling centers and your family physician all have resources for counseling for individuals, group therapy, or grief support resources.
Long-term Grief Issues
It is rarely clear in the beginning how the death of your lover will shape the rest of your life, particularly in the area of future lovers. I recommend keeping a journal, even if it has only brief entries, to track where you are and how you feel. Many months after your beloved dies you may feel you have gotten stuck in your grief. Sometimes the best person to assess how and where you are is your former self as captured in those journal entries.
The most comforting and challenging aspect of grief is that relationships do not end at death. As we live, mourn, and grow our connections to the ones who have gone before us change, too. I have a friend whose boyfriend died over five years ago. She has dated other men. She has lived and laughed and cried, felt desperate and found hope again. She feels whole in spite of losing him, and she attributes that to his still being part of her. "Our relationship continues, and for that I smile every day. He will always be a part of me."
The combination of connection and shared experience, our hopes vs. our guilt, how the person died, and where we are in our own journey all come together to make grief dynamic and unique.
As if that were not complex enough... throw in twenty-first century dating and mating habits. What happens when your boyfriend dies? Your lover? Your live-in mate? Your friend with benefits? Your fiancee? Your ex-mate?
This topic is so complex that I have learned to force myself not to draw any conclusions about anyone's romantic relationship at death. I treat every mourning lover differently, letting them lead in helping to discern what sort of help they need. This has proven to be savvy and diplomatic as well as allowing me to see subtle patterns and dynamics.
The Dynamic With The Family
The first hurdle for the majority of people who lose their lover is that the family is in charge. Unless your lover and you planned what is called a designee agreement, the law is only interested in next-of-kin. This can be devastating if your beloved has a difficult relationship with family because all of these people swoop in with their own grief and opinions on how s/he should be remembered. And they get to be in charge when you were the one who was with your lover every moment of the last five years.
Even when relationships are good, the family/lover dynamic is touchy, particularly if the deceased has children of any age who have yet to meet the lover. The lover needs to be mindful of the extent of involvement s/he has in funeral planning, family events, and disposition of belongings. Even when all goes well, it can be exhausting physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
The only piece of advice I can give which covers the breadth of variety with mourning lovers is: be mindful and respectful of the family's grief. You are the easiest person to subtract from the equation and groups of mourning people are known for limiting the numbers of their circle. Get your fortification from your own family, your friends, your religion, your doctor... but be very careful of leaning on your beloved's family.
The Dynamic With Other Friends
Sadly, some of us only discover we have long been detested by our beloved's friends when s/he dies. That is painful. That is not going to work itself right now. Try not to get mired in their feelings and accusations and focus instead on your own coping.
You may also be treated as if your relationship with your beloved was more than it was. This can be awkward for you because the privacy of your connection and its intensity (or lack thereof) becomes a subject for public speculation, often in your presence. A good out in conversations like these is, "I would prefer not to speak of my private life with her/him."
It is not uncommon to lose shared friends after the death of your lover. In their own pain, some people prescribe what they feel your grief should be. When you exhibit more or less than that prescription, they feel you are either being too emotional or disloyal. Shifting connections are a normal part of life and grief.
Attractions between a grieving lover and a grieving friend stemming from shared grief also commonly arise. Be careful. Now is not the time to be jumping into another relationship least of all with someone who is mourning the same person. The one who has died becomes the third member of that relationship. (Believe it or not, I do know couples who have made this work. They tend to be over 60 and instances are rare.)
Feelings of Isolation
How do you say at work, "I am grieving the death of my lover of 7 months"?
Usually, you don't. Unless you were living together, engaged, or had a long-term monogamous commitment - society does not know how to recognize you in the grieving rituals.
This means it is up to you. You may have gotten through a myriad of other losses in life without needing to reach out for help. The death of a lover is different. So much of your connection with your lover is deeply private - how do you process it? Think it through. Your long-term emotional health and your future relationships will depend on how you choose to work through this grief.
Services
I may have to do an entire separate post on this. Services are full of unwritten codes and careful diplomacy and few include the mourning lover.
As the one who presides over funerals and memorial services I have seen the lover sit in every seat in the house from the front row to never coming to the service. Do what is right for you and will cause the least amount of hullabaloo. The service is about your beloved, not you.
Try to have a comforting thought you can repeat to yourself throughout. One of my friends used, "Love never ends." I have also recommended for people to imagine one great memory with their beloved. During every difficult moment in the service they called up that image.
Forbidden Love
You and your beloved were a secret. Immediately consult a trusted professional and share with them your situation. The pressure of the loss and the secret is too much for one person to bear. Find trustworthy, dependable help. See next paragraph.
Need for Counsel
Consider consulting a professional grief counselor at any stage of your grief process. No matter the complexity of your situation, professionals know that you are not alone. We have experience in helping others, and we can help steer you towards health. If nothing else, we are the people you can tell your business to and still keep it private. Hospices, funeral homes, counselling centers and your family physician all have resources for counseling for individuals, group therapy, or grief support resources.
Long-term Grief Issues
It is rarely clear in the beginning how the death of your lover will shape the rest of your life, particularly in the area of future lovers. I recommend keeping a journal, even if it has only brief entries, to track where you are and how you feel. Many months after your beloved dies you may feel you have gotten stuck in your grief. Sometimes the best person to assess how and where you are is your former self as captured in those journal entries.
The most comforting and challenging aspect of grief is that relationships do not end at death. As we live, mourn, and grow our connections to the ones who have gone before us change, too. I have a friend whose boyfriend died over five years ago. She has dated other men. She has lived and laughed and cried, felt desperate and found hope again. She feels whole in spite of losing him, and she attributes that to his still being part of her. "Our relationship continues, and for that I smile every day. He will always be a part of me."
Friday, July 13, 2012
Grave Traditions
Although The Valley Holler is a resource blog, I include links to a variety of historical death-related sources.
My grandmother made a hobby out of decorating graves of her family, former neighbors, and friends for the holidays. It used to be this was a national past-time. This Link takes you to my remembrances of accompanying my grandmother as she cheerfully put flowers on a couple of dozen graves. My grandmother has since died herself, but her dedication to the memory of those who have gone before lives on.
My grandmother made a hobby out of decorating graves of her family, former neighbors, and friends for the holidays. It used to be this was a national past-time. This Link takes you to my remembrances of accompanying my grandmother as she cheerfully put flowers on a couple of dozen graves. My grandmother has since died herself, but her dedication to the memory of those who have gone before lives on.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Scrapbooks for the Grieving
Scrapbooking for funerals. Lots of people don't get it. Funeral directors, families, other church members don't understand why anyone would want a funeral scrapbook. Here's a little crash course in why.
Generally the family has three sources of contact with those offering their condolences.
1) There are cards and flowers which arrive for the service or at the home.
2) There are face-to-face visits which are supplemented by signing one's name in a register book at a visitation or at the service.
3) Then there are calls and emails.
In reverse order I'll give you the reasons I believe bereaved loved ones are better served by a scrapbook than by all of these.
Calls and emails are the easiest way for the comforter to offer their comfort and condolences, but they can be a real hassle to the bereaved. The phone rings off the hook. Who has time to check email with all the other necessary tasks after a death? Then, when they do get on the phone or on the email, the bereaved has two choices:
1) be authentic at the risk of not finishing sentences, suddenly crying, or not making sense;
or 2) comfort the comforter by making the call as easy for the caller as possible. "We're OK. No, we don't need anything. Yes, we love you, too."
I don't know anyone who wants to inflict this choice intentionally on a grieving person. Calls and emails are good if brief and well-timed, but they are not enough.
Face-to-face visits are optimal for many reasons, but they have the drawback of impaired human memory in a time of crisis. If you have ever been through the death of someone close, you may know how nice it is to see people and hear their thoughtful words. It is also nearly impossible to remember at a later date what they said, or sometimes if they were even there.
So one goes to a register which offers nothing but names, half of which you can't read or don't recall how they knew Mama in the first place.
Which brings us to cards and flowers. These are good because they last for awhile, are tangible, and can be referred to as many times as needed. However, we often have trouble finding cards appropriate to our beliefs and some people feel flower tributes are wasteful. Enter the scrapbook.
Here is how one person I met at a funeral convention suggested to do it. People who would like to leave a special message for the family are given an envelope addressed to the family at the house, the office, the funeral home. Inside the envelope is an elegant piece of paper on which to write a memory of the deceased or include a photo. There is also some cardboard to protect the contents from the voracious postal machines that eat mail. People are encouraged to take these home and think awhile before writing and sending back to the family.
In the following days and weeks, the envelopes start coming back at the same time as some of the more unpleasant mailings one gets after a death. Each day, memories and well wishes of friends and family start showing up at the door. These can then be compiled and easily create a beautiful book. The result is more than a scrapbook. It becomes an archive of who someone was to those who loved them.
The grieving family can look at the words of their friends and loved ones when they are ready to. They will be able to absorb what others have to say more fully. They will also be able to feel whatever feelings come up from the sharing of these words in the privacy of their own home while looking through the book. And the book can be shared with those who couldn't come to the funeral, or in years to come with those who were too young to remember.
Steps to help create a scrapbook for a grieving family:
1) Buy the book first so you'll know how big the paper should be. Make sure the book is archival quality and lignin free.
2) Buy paper that is attractive, archival quality, easy to write on, and within your budget. Always buy more than you think you'll need. People will misplace some. Feel free to customize the paper at a print shop or at home with the name of the deceased. Consider including cardboard to protect the paper or photos.
3) Print labels with the family address on them. Pre-address envelopes.
4) Have paper, cardboard, envelopes at locations where the most people offering their condolences will be.
5) Print out instructions for people. This is a new concept for many.
6) Give the family the book, adhesives, folders, and anything else you think they may need to easily put the book together when the envelopes begin to arrive. OR offer to do it for them.
This is an excerpt from a post on Auspicious Jots from October 24, 2006 called "A Better Way to Remember"
.
Notes from the floor of the 2006 Annual National Funeral Directors' Convention part 4
Generally the family has three sources of contact with those offering their condolences.
1) There are cards and flowers which arrive for the service or at the home.
2) There are face-to-face visits which are supplemented by signing one's name in a register book at a visitation or at the service.
3) Then there are calls and emails.
In reverse order I'll give you the reasons I believe bereaved loved ones are better served by a scrapbook than by all of these.
Calls and emails are the easiest way for the comforter to offer their comfort and condolences, but they can be a real hassle to the bereaved. The phone rings off the hook. Who has time to check email with all the other necessary tasks after a death? Then, when they do get on the phone or on the email, the bereaved has two choices:
1) be authentic at the risk of not finishing sentences, suddenly crying, or not making sense;
or 2) comfort the comforter by making the call as easy for the caller as possible. "We're OK. No, we don't need anything. Yes, we love you, too."
I don't know anyone who wants to inflict this choice intentionally on a grieving person. Calls and emails are good if brief and well-timed, but they are not enough.
Face-to-face visits are optimal for many reasons, but they have the drawback of impaired human memory in a time of crisis. If you have ever been through the death of someone close, you may know how nice it is to see people and hear their thoughtful words. It is also nearly impossible to remember at a later date what they said, or sometimes if they were even there.
So one goes to a register which offers nothing but names, half of which you can't read or don't recall how they knew Mama in the first place.
Which brings us to cards and flowers. These are good because they last for awhile, are tangible, and can be referred to as many times as needed. However, we often have trouble finding cards appropriate to our beliefs and some people feel flower tributes are wasteful. Enter the scrapbook.
Here is how one person I met at a funeral convention suggested to do it. People who would like to leave a special message for the family are given an envelope addressed to the family at the house, the office, the funeral home. Inside the envelope is an elegant piece of paper on which to write a memory of the deceased or include a photo. There is also some cardboard to protect the contents from the voracious postal machines that eat mail. People are encouraged to take these home and think awhile before writing and sending back to the family.
In the following days and weeks, the envelopes start coming back at the same time as some of the more unpleasant mailings one gets after a death. Each day, memories and well wishes of friends and family start showing up at the door. These can then be compiled and easily create a beautiful book. The result is more than a scrapbook. It becomes an archive of who someone was to those who loved them.
The grieving family can look at the words of their friends and loved ones when they are ready to. They will be able to absorb what others have to say more fully. They will also be able to feel whatever feelings come up from the sharing of these words in the privacy of their own home while looking through the book. And the book can be shared with those who couldn't come to the funeral, or in years to come with those who were too young to remember.
Steps to help create a scrapbook for a grieving family:
1) Buy the book first so you'll know how big the paper should be. Make sure the book is archival quality and lignin free.
2) Buy paper that is attractive, archival quality, easy to write on, and within your budget. Always buy more than you think you'll need. People will misplace some. Feel free to customize the paper at a print shop or at home with the name of the deceased. Consider including cardboard to protect the paper or photos.
3) Print labels with the family address on them. Pre-address envelopes.
4) Have paper, cardboard, envelopes at locations where the most people offering their condolences will be.
5) Print out instructions for people. This is a new concept for many.
6) Give the family the book, adhesives, folders, and anything else you think they may need to easily put the book together when the envelopes begin to arrive. OR offer to do it for them.
This is an excerpt from a post on Auspicious Jots from October 24, 2006 called "A Better Way to Remember"
.
Notes from the floor of the 2006 Annual National Funeral Directors' Convention part 4
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Disposition of Cremated Remains in Water
Catchy title, huh?
So your loved one is being cremated and wants to have a body of water as their final resting place. This is often a great idea but requires planning.
Is it legal?
By following this blog you have already proven yourself to be internet savvy. Go to the website for the municipality where you are planning to be leaving the remains and find out. I am pleased that none of the hundreds of services in which I have been involved have had a run-in with the law due to choice of disposition. I'd prefer if you were not the first.
I just want to drop the urn in the water.
In Barcelona, Spain thousands of families drop ashes still in the urn over the side of boats. But metal and wooden urns often float and do not disintegrate quickly. On the Barcelona coast there are so many urns, floating or sunken, that they have to be gathered as sea debris. Garbage.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of anything less meaningful and closure shattering than the idea of my beloved’s remains floating back to shore, or being caught up in fishing nets to be returned to land in a trash heap.
The solution for this is the sea salt urn. These look like marble urns but when dropped overboard sink with a satisfying plop and then dissolve. Everything is water soluble: the sides, the lid, the glue, and the bag in which the cremains are stored. It all dissolves in forty minutes. No garbage, no flying ash, no contamination.
Salt urns are available online or from funeral homes. The supremely crafty can make their own. Give yourself some time on that one, though. Size, consistency, and the lid are vitally important to design.
There are other options on this front. I just find the salt urns to work best.
We want to scatter the ashes off the side of the boat.
I am an ash scattering expert. It is a tricky business, and it should not be done at sea unless there is NO WIND or you are 100% confident on the wind's direction in relation to the bodies of those gathered to witness this event. Trust me on this point.
If you are insisting on this means of disposition, think it through carefully and consider a rehearsal with charcoal ash. Remember, the remains will not be sinking readily but instead be on the top of the water. Some people like this effect, others don't. Think it through.
Can this be done from the shore?
Yes and in many ways.
One of my friends likes the trench effect for a place with waves. At the edge of the reach of the waves you dig a trench that is about 10-12 feet long and a sand castle shovel deep. The displaced sand goes on the side away from the water. The cremated remains are carefully poured in from sand level the length of the trench. To cut down on the possibilities of ash on the wind, cover the trench with flower petals. When the waves reach the trench they start to pull the cremated remains into the water with the petals. This works best when the tide is coming in.
Whatever way you decide to put the cremated remains in the water, think through the details of the process. It can be a beautiful ritual if done well.
(Some of this post is from an October 22, 2006 post on Auspicious Jots)
So your loved one is being cremated and wants to have a body of water as their final resting place. This is often a great idea but requires planning.
Is it legal?
By following this blog you have already proven yourself to be internet savvy. Go to the website for the municipality where you are planning to be leaving the remains and find out. I am pleased that none of the hundreds of services in which I have been involved have had a run-in with the law due to choice of disposition. I'd prefer if you were not the first.
I just want to drop the urn in the water.
In Barcelona, Spain thousands of families drop ashes still in the urn over the side of boats. But metal and wooden urns often float and do not disintegrate quickly. On the Barcelona coast there are so many urns, floating or sunken, that they have to be gathered as sea debris. Garbage.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of anything less meaningful and closure shattering than the idea of my beloved’s remains floating back to shore, or being caught up in fishing nets to be returned to land in a trash heap.
The solution for this is the sea salt urn. These look like marble urns but when dropped overboard sink with a satisfying plop and then dissolve. Everything is water soluble: the sides, the lid, the glue, and the bag in which the cremains are stored. It all dissolves in forty minutes. No garbage, no flying ash, no contamination.
Salt urns are available online or from funeral homes. The supremely crafty can make their own. Give yourself some time on that one, though. Size, consistency, and the lid are vitally important to design.
There are other options on this front. I just find the salt urns to work best.
We want to scatter the ashes off the side of the boat.
I am an ash scattering expert. It is a tricky business, and it should not be done at sea unless there is NO WIND or you are 100% confident on the wind's direction in relation to the bodies of those gathered to witness this event. Trust me on this point.
If you are insisting on this means of disposition, think it through carefully and consider a rehearsal with charcoal ash. Remember, the remains will not be sinking readily but instead be on the top of the water. Some people like this effect, others don't. Think it through.
Can this be done from the shore?
Yes and in many ways.
One of my friends likes the trench effect for a place with waves. At the edge of the reach of the waves you dig a trench that is about 10-12 feet long and a sand castle shovel deep. The displaced sand goes on the side away from the water. The cremated remains are carefully poured in from sand level the length of the trench. To cut down on the possibilities of ash on the wind, cover the trench with flower petals. When the waves reach the trench they start to pull the cremated remains into the water with the petals. This works best when the tide is coming in.
Whatever way you decide to put the cremated remains in the water, think through the details of the process. It can be a beautiful ritual if done well.
(Some of this post is from an October 22, 2006 post on Auspicious Jots)
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
When Death is a Mess, Chapter 2
Originally posted as Raul and Dave: Cleaning Up on October 22, 2006 at Auspicious Jots
Notes from the floor of the 2006 Annual National Funeral Directors Convention, Part 2
File this in your alternate universe folder. Two of the most animated and engaging people I met at the convention were cleaners. Come on, you saw “La Femme Nikita”. You know: Cleaner? The cleaners in the movies have a violent streak and know the many uses of lye and acid. Real cleaners are more peaceful and law-abiding sorts, which in a way makes what they do all the creepier.
Dave operates Radical Restorations, Inc. and Raul is a manager at Assured Decontamination Services. They are both big strong men with shaved heads, attractive smiles, and palpable confidence. They both can climb into an OSHA approved plastic suit faster than I can put on a pair of pantyhose. And they both have an intimate knowledge of what it takes to clean up the human brain when it violently leaves its safe nest of skull. They are cleaners.
Got it now?
When the worst things imaginable happen in your home, office, or building, these are the men you call. This is a part of death that funeral directors, cops, fire fighters, and some ministers know too much about. It’s the part of death which makes most people avoid the aforementioned professionals at cocktail parties for fear of overhearing details. It’s the mess the human body can make when it dies. And it is what Dave and Raul call a job.
I am a different kind of cleaner. I clean up what happens to those who survive the worst thing imaginable. Dave and Raul think my job is just as hard. That's a point to debate, but we had immediate rapport as the people who clean what others think is un-cleanable. Raul is even a double cleaner, if there can be such a thing. His other job is as firefighter.
As you hopefully can imagine, I found it comforting to talk with people who had similar experiences to mine. Dave, Raul, and I shared stories of…
OK, maybe I shouldn’t go into detail here. Let me just say, we talked. We shared stories. We laughed. We said, “Yuk.” We got serious and kind of sad. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. All in all, we had normal interactions that people have at a convention. When it comes to work, we just have a different idea of normal.
So here's to Dave and Raul. And here’s to hoping that their normal NEVER becomes yours.
Notes from the floor of the 2006 Annual National Funeral Directors Convention, Part 2
File this in your alternate universe folder. Two of the most animated and engaging people I met at the convention were cleaners. Come on, you saw “La Femme Nikita”. You know: Cleaner? The cleaners in the movies have a violent streak and know the many uses of lye and acid. Real cleaners are more peaceful and law-abiding sorts, which in a way makes what they do all the creepier.
Dave operates Radical Restorations, Inc. and Raul is a manager at Assured Decontamination Services. They are both big strong men with shaved heads, attractive smiles, and palpable confidence. They both can climb into an OSHA approved plastic suit faster than I can put on a pair of pantyhose. And they both have an intimate knowledge of what it takes to clean up the human brain when it violently leaves its safe nest of skull. They are cleaners.
Got it now?
When the worst things imaginable happen in your home, office, or building, these are the men you call. This is a part of death that funeral directors, cops, fire fighters, and some ministers know too much about. It’s the part of death which makes most people avoid the aforementioned professionals at cocktail parties for fear of overhearing details. It’s the mess the human body can make when it dies. And it is what Dave and Raul call a job.
I am a different kind of cleaner. I clean up what happens to those who survive the worst thing imaginable. Dave and Raul think my job is just as hard. That's a point to debate, but we had immediate rapport as the people who clean what others think is un-cleanable. Raul is even a double cleaner, if there can be such a thing. His other job is as firefighter.
As you hopefully can imagine, I found it comforting to talk with people who had similar experiences to mine. Dave, Raul, and I shared stories of…
OK, maybe I shouldn’t go into detail here. Let me just say, we talked. We shared stories. We laughed. We said, “Yuk.” We got serious and kind of sad. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. All in all, we had normal interactions that people have at a convention. When it comes to work, we just have a different idea of normal.
So here's to Dave and Raul. And here’s to hoping that their normal NEVER becomes yours.
When Death is a Mess, Chapter 1
Biology is messy. Birth is incredibly messy on all occasions. Death is a biological event first and foremost but in the parts most of us have to deal with, death is only sometimes messy.
If you have to deal with not only the emotional and spiritual mess of death but also the physical you have options.
1) Has someone else offered to help?
Often when people offer help we don't acknowledge the offer. People do not offer to help clean up after a death unless they are sure they are equipped for it. Seriously consider any offers of help.
2) Can you afford a professional?
There are many things you are going to have to do because of this death in the coming hours, months and years. Do you really want to start this journey doing the exhausting physical labor of cleaning? I have met plenty of people who have cleaned up homes, cars, yards, and garages after the death of someone very close to them. It did not kill any of them, but it did not make them any stronger.
Call professional cleaning services first. If they can't/won't help you, ask police, fire, rescue, the medical examiner, and funeral homes for referrals. Better yet, have someone who has offered to help do something make these calls. Your grief brain is not going to be good with details.
3) Is this something you need to do for your own sake?
There are some deaths and some relationships that just call for us to do it ourselves. After authorities allow a clean-up do the following:
* Give yourself lots of time, clothes you never want to see again, safety glasses, gloves, a very good respirator mask, black towels that can be disposed of, thick and numerous garbage bags, every cleaning tool you own and more.
* The order of cleaning is: remove liquids and debris first, then use lots of water and things that absorb water (mops, towels, wet vacs), use solvents and detergents last.
*Act as if everything is possibly a dangerous contaminant during and after clean-up. It isn't, but now is not the time to get sloppy with precautions.
*Give yourself permission to quit at any time. Have the professional number handy just in case.
*Take breaks often. Be sure the area is as well ventilated as possible. Plan your meal times carefully and don't get anywhere near food without thoroughly decontaminating yourself. Have a disposal plan for all tools and clothes.
*Tell people you are going to do this so they can check on you.
In conclusion: I have done some minor cleanups myself in a professional capacity. There are things you will never, ever forget about a clean-up. If it happens in my personal life in the future, I will be calling a pro because I don't want to add to that particular memory bank.
We all have to do what is best for ourselves. Consider your options carefully.
If you have to deal with not only the emotional and spiritual mess of death but also the physical you have options.
1) Has someone else offered to help?
Often when people offer help we don't acknowledge the offer. People do not offer to help clean up after a death unless they are sure they are equipped for it. Seriously consider any offers of help.
2) Can you afford a professional?
There are many things you are going to have to do because of this death in the coming hours, months and years. Do you really want to start this journey doing the exhausting physical labor of cleaning? I have met plenty of people who have cleaned up homes, cars, yards, and garages after the death of someone very close to them. It did not kill any of them, but it did not make them any stronger.
Call professional cleaning services first. If they can't/won't help you, ask police, fire, rescue, the medical examiner, and funeral homes for referrals. Better yet, have someone who has offered to help do something make these calls. Your grief brain is not going to be good with details.
3) Is this something you need to do for your own sake?
There are some deaths and some relationships that just call for us to do it ourselves. After authorities allow a clean-up do the following:
* Give yourself lots of time, clothes you never want to see again, safety glasses, gloves, a very good respirator mask, black towels that can be disposed of, thick and numerous garbage bags, every cleaning tool you own and more.
* The order of cleaning is: remove liquids and debris first, then use lots of water and things that absorb water (mops, towels, wet vacs), use solvents and detergents last.
*Act as if everything is possibly a dangerous contaminant during and after clean-up. It isn't, but now is not the time to get sloppy with precautions.
*Give yourself permission to quit at any time. Have the professional number handy just in case.
*Take breaks often. Be sure the area is as well ventilated as possible. Plan your meal times carefully and don't get anywhere near food without thoroughly decontaminating yourself. Have a disposal plan for all tools and clothes.
*Tell people you are going to do this so they can check on you.
In conclusion: I have done some minor cleanups myself in a professional capacity. There are things you will never, ever forget about a clean-up. If it happens in my personal life in the future, I will be calling a pro because I don't want to add to that particular memory bank.
We all have to do what is best for ourselves. Consider your options carefully.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)