After many years in ministry if there's anything I have learned it is how to talk about difficult things.
It's incredibly tricky, this opening up business. No,wait. No, actually it isn't tricky at all. Yes, it takes courage. Yes, it takes forethought. Yes, it often takes diplomacy and, naturally there can be unpleasant fallout. But discussing difficult issues, particularly end of life issues is emotionally difficult, not technically difficult and, yet, I still insist on it. Because NOT having these conversations can be emotionally devastating for years.
Here are simple steps to discuss important issues at the end of life. Remember, we are all dying and living in equal parts if we are living well, so consider your own answers to any question you ask of another.
Step 1: Consider the Conversation and Understand Your Motives* Is this an opportunity to impart information: medical directives, location of important files, funeral preferences, banking concerns?If so, make sure that this is a convenient and productive time and that records are kept of information imparted.
* Is this an opportunity for storytelling?
If so, introduce it as such with an invitation like, "I would like to share a memory from my life." Or "Our being together like this reminds me of that time..." People are open to storytelling when they know its purpose and are not pressed for time. People also like to swap stories, so if it is your need/intent to tell a story, it is only fair that you be willing to listen to someone else's story in return.
* Will this be a time of conflict or reconciliation? Do you need to bring up something that will cause hurt feelings or remind of past hurts? If so, think through why you need to tell this story and why now. Often people can hear very difficult things as long as they feel they were told in the most compassionate way possible. Thinking through why you need to have this conversation now can help you to clarify your communication and hopefully build bridges over past chasms.
Step 2: Set the Stage
Blurting things as someone walks out the door seems to be an infernally popular way of saying important things to people. It really isn't helpful. Whether you are the person near death or the comforter, leaving something big until the last second isn't very respectful and is kind of, well... cowardly. I have found that planning it for the middle of the visit does best unless there is no other subject about which you need to communicate, in which case charge forward at the beginning.
Also, if you know that you are about to have a whammy of a conversation play it out in your head. Where will people sit? How long will this take? Does there need to be privacy? Will things get thrown? Consider the options carefully and set the space, time, and details as well as you can for a smooth conversation.
Step 3: Speak clearly and succinctly. Make time for discussion.
This seems so simple but this isn't a grocery list we are talking about. For example, imagine you are in a hospital bed and you want to tell your 23 year old son that you are going to discontinue chemotherapy because you feel that it is no longer the right choice for you. There are as many ways to do this as there are people, but many people would respond favorably to a greeting, followed by some small talk, followed by how you have come to change your mind about chemotherapy. Then state succinctly, "And that is why I would like to stop the treatments but I wanted to talk to you about it first." Then, and this is the tricky part, let the other person process and make space for them to say what they are thinking and feeling.
Step 4: Recap why you are having this discussion in the first place.
Communication is delicate under the best of circumstances and these are the not the best of circumstances so repetition or reiteration is helpful. Examples of closing recaps include:
"Oh, Sally, I am so glad you came over so I could tell you about my childhood. I've been thinking about the past so much lately, and it feels good to be able to say it aloud to a friend."
"Jimmy, I hope I haven't bored you to tears, but there are a lot of financial elements to my life and we both would rather talk about baseball. Thanks for having this discussion with me about these concerns. I feel better. Let's get back to the baseball now"
"Mom, I know this is hard to talk about these things for both of us, but you are important to me and I love you. I don't want any misunderstanding from years ago to stand between us any more."
Good communication is something we all strive to learn but the times we need it most are the most complicated situations. By considering the conversation, setting the stage, speaking clearly, and giving a recap of the purpose we can have the significant conversations we need at the end of life. Or any time.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Death of a Lover
Grief is shaped by the roles we had with the person who died. A generalization that often proves true is: the closer the role, the more complex the grief. The roles between people, however, are often hard to define. I've known adult children who barely grieved the death of an absentee parent. I've known others who never stop grieving the death of a friend. Grief reactions are as unique as the relationships that shape them.
The combination of connection and shared experience, our hopes vs. our guilt, how the person died, and where we are in our own journey all come together to make grief dynamic and unique.
As if that were not complex enough... throw in twenty-first century dating and mating habits. What happens when your boyfriend dies? Your lover? Your live-in mate? Your friend with benefits? Your fiancee? Your ex-mate?
This topic is so complex that I have learned to force myself not to draw any conclusions about anyone's romantic relationship at death. I treat every mourning lover differently, letting them lead in helping to discern what sort of help they need. This has proven to be savvy and diplomatic as well as allowing me to see subtle patterns and dynamics.
The Dynamic With The Family
The first hurdle for the majority of people who lose their lover is that the family is in charge. Unless your lover and you planned what is called a designee agreement, the law is only interested in next-of-kin. This can be devastating if your beloved has a difficult relationship with family because all of these people swoop in with their own grief and opinions on how s/he should be remembered. And they get to be in charge when you were the one who was with your lover every moment of the last five years.
Even when relationships are good, the family/lover dynamic is touchy, particularly if the deceased has children of any age who have yet to meet the lover. The lover needs to be mindful of the extent of involvement s/he has in funeral planning, family events, and disposition of belongings. Even when all goes well, it can be exhausting physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
The only piece of advice I can give which covers the breadth of variety with mourning lovers is: be mindful and respectful of the family's grief. You are the easiest person to subtract from the equation and groups of mourning people are known for limiting the numbers of their circle. Get your fortification from your own family, your friends, your religion, your doctor... but be very careful of leaning on your beloved's family.
The Dynamic With Other Friends
Sadly, some of us only discover we have long been detested by our beloved's friends when s/he dies. That is painful. That is not going to work itself right now. Try not to get mired in their feelings and accusations and focus instead on your own coping.
You may also be treated as if your relationship with your beloved was more than it was. This can be awkward for you because the privacy of your connection and its intensity (or lack thereof) becomes a subject for public speculation, often in your presence. A good out in conversations like these is, "I would prefer not to speak of my private life with her/him."
It is not uncommon to lose shared friends after the death of your lover. In their own pain, some people prescribe what they feel your grief should be. When you exhibit more or less than that prescription, they feel you are either being too emotional or disloyal. Shifting connections are a normal part of life and grief.
Attractions between a grieving lover and a grieving friend stemming from shared grief also commonly arise. Be careful. Now is not the time to be jumping into another relationship least of all with someone who is mourning the same person. The one who has died becomes the third member of that relationship. (Believe it or not, I do know couples who have made this work. They tend to be over 60 and instances are rare.)
Feelings of Isolation
How do you say at work, "I am grieving the death of my lover of 7 months"?
Usually, you don't. Unless you were living together, engaged, or had a long-term monogamous commitment - society does not know how to recognize you in the grieving rituals.
This means it is up to you. You may have gotten through a myriad of other losses in life without needing to reach out for help. The death of a lover is different. So much of your connection with your lover is deeply private - how do you process it? Think it through. Your long-term emotional health and your future relationships will depend on how you choose to work through this grief.
Services
I may have to do an entire separate post on this. Services are full of unwritten codes and careful diplomacy and few include the mourning lover.
As the one who presides over funerals and memorial services I have seen the lover sit in every seat in the house from the front row to never coming to the service. Do what is right for you and will cause the least amount of hullabaloo. The service is about your beloved, not you.
Try to have a comforting thought you can repeat to yourself throughout. One of my friends used, "Love never ends." I have also recommended for people to imagine one great memory with their beloved. During every difficult moment in the service they called up that image.
Forbidden Love
You and your beloved were a secret. Immediately consult a trusted professional and share with them your situation. The pressure of the loss and the secret is too much for one person to bear. Find trustworthy, dependable help. See next paragraph.
Need for Counsel
Consider consulting a professional grief counselor at any stage of your grief process. No matter the complexity of your situation, professionals know that you are not alone. We have experience in helping others, and we can help steer you towards health. If nothing else, we are the people you can tell your business to and still keep it private. Hospices, funeral homes, counselling centers and your family physician all have resources for counseling for individuals, group therapy, or grief support resources.
Long-term Grief Issues
It is rarely clear in the beginning how the death of your lover will shape the rest of your life, particularly in the area of future lovers. I recommend keeping a journal, even if it has only brief entries, to track where you are and how you feel. Many months after your beloved dies you may feel you have gotten stuck in your grief. Sometimes the best person to assess how and where you are is your former self as captured in those journal entries.
The most comforting and challenging aspect of grief is that relationships do not end at death. As we live, mourn, and grow our connections to the ones who have gone before us change, too. I have a friend whose boyfriend died over five years ago. She has dated other men. She has lived and laughed and cried, felt desperate and found hope again. She feels whole in spite of losing him, and she attributes that to his still being part of her. "Our relationship continues, and for that I smile every day. He will always be a part of me."
The combination of connection and shared experience, our hopes vs. our guilt, how the person died, and where we are in our own journey all come together to make grief dynamic and unique.
As if that were not complex enough... throw in twenty-first century dating and mating habits. What happens when your boyfriend dies? Your lover? Your live-in mate? Your friend with benefits? Your fiancee? Your ex-mate?
This topic is so complex that I have learned to force myself not to draw any conclusions about anyone's romantic relationship at death. I treat every mourning lover differently, letting them lead in helping to discern what sort of help they need. This has proven to be savvy and diplomatic as well as allowing me to see subtle patterns and dynamics.
The Dynamic With The Family
The first hurdle for the majority of people who lose their lover is that the family is in charge. Unless your lover and you planned what is called a designee agreement, the law is only interested in next-of-kin. This can be devastating if your beloved has a difficult relationship with family because all of these people swoop in with their own grief and opinions on how s/he should be remembered. And they get to be in charge when you were the one who was with your lover every moment of the last five years.
Even when relationships are good, the family/lover dynamic is touchy, particularly if the deceased has children of any age who have yet to meet the lover. The lover needs to be mindful of the extent of involvement s/he has in funeral planning, family events, and disposition of belongings. Even when all goes well, it can be exhausting physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
The only piece of advice I can give which covers the breadth of variety with mourning lovers is: be mindful and respectful of the family's grief. You are the easiest person to subtract from the equation and groups of mourning people are known for limiting the numbers of their circle. Get your fortification from your own family, your friends, your religion, your doctor... but be very careful of leaning on your beloved's family.
The Dynamic With Other Friends
Sadly, some of us only discover we have long been detested by our beloved's friends when s/he dies. That is painful. That is not going to work itself right now. Try not to get mired in their feelings and accusations and focus instead on your own coping.
You may also be treated as if your relationship with your beloved was more than it was. This can be awkward for you because the privacy of your connection and its intensity (or lack thereof) becomes a subject for public speculation, often in your presence. A good out in conversations like these is, "I would prefer not to speak of my private life with her/him."
It is not uncommon to lose shared friends after the death of your lover. In their own pain, some people prescribe what they feel your grief should be. When you exhibit more or less than that prescription, they feel you are either being too emotional or disloyal. Shifting connections are a normal part of life and grief.
Attractions between a grieving lover and a grieving friend stemming from shared grief also commonly arise. Be careful. Now is not the time to be jumping into another relationship least of all with someone who is mourning the same person. The one who has died becomes the third member of that relationship. (Believe it or not, I do know couples who have made this work. They tend to be over 60 and instances are rare.)
Feelings of Isolation
How do you say at work, "I am grieving the death of my lover of 7 months"?
Usually, you don't. Unless you were living together, engaged, or had a long-term monogamous commitment - society does not know how to recognize you in the grieving rituals.
This means it is up to you. You may have gotten through a myriad of other losses in life without needing to reach out for help. The death of a lover is different. So much of your connection with your lover is deeply private - how do you process it? Think it through. Your long-term emotional health and your future relationships will depend on how you choose to work through this grief.
Services
I may have to do an entire separate post on this. Services are full of unwritten codes and careful diplomacy and few include the mourning lover.
As the one who presides over funerals and memorial services I have seen the lover sit in every seat in the house from the front row to never coming to the service. Do what is right for you and will cause the least amount of hullabaloo. The service is about your beloved, not you.
Try to have a comforting thought you can repeat to yourself throughout. One of my friends used, "Love never ends." I have also recommended for people to imagine one great memory with their beloved. During every difficult moment in the service they called up that image.
Forbidden Love
You and your beloved were a secret. Immediately consult a trusted professional and share with them your situation. The pressure of the loss and the secret is too much for one person to bear. Find trustworthy, dependable help. See next paragraph.
Need for Counsel
Consider consulting a professional grief counselor at any stage of your grief process. No matter the complexity of your situation, professionals know that you are not alone. We have experience in helping others, and we can help steer you towards health. If nothing else, we are the people you can tell your business to and still keep it private. Hospices, funeral homes, counselling centers and your family physician all have resources for counseling for individuals, group therapy, or grief support resources.
Long-term Grief Issues
It is rarely clear in the beginning how the death of your lover will shape the rest of your life, particularly in the area of future lovers. I recommend keeping a journal, even if it has only brief entries, to track where you are and how you feel. Many months after your beloved dies you may feel you have gotten stuck in your grief. Sometimes the best person to assess how and where you are is your former self as captured in those journal entries.
The most comforting and challenging aspect of grief is that relationships do not end at death. As we live, mourn, and grow our connections to the ones who have gone before us change, too. I have a friend whose boyfriend died over five years ago. She has dated other men. She has lived and laughed and cried, felt desperate and found hope again. She feels whole in spite of losing him, and she attributes that to his still being part of her. "Our relationship continues, and for that I smile every day. He will always be a part of me."
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